The Importance of Relationships

Mankind is a social animal. Ones mental health, that is our happiness, self-esteem, and ability to work, is influenced greatly by our relationships. There is a form of psychotherapy called interpersonal psychotherapy that attempts to improve ones mental health by focusing on ways of relating to others. A commonly held perspective, that either leads to mental ill-health or is the symptom of mental ill-health, is an egocentric view where one believes the best way of improving our relationships is to change other people and that other people are the source of all our problems. It is important to realise that in order to change relationships we can only change the way we relate to others, and then others will change the way they relate to us.
Your relationships will work best if you are able to be yourself within them. Relationships in which you can be yourself are likely to feel more comfortable and to make you happier. This doesn’t mean one can throw tantrums when you feel like it, nor be as rude to people as you wish. Relationships don’t even have to be comfortable, some very good relationships can be provocative and challenging. However relationships tend to be unsatisfying when one is fulfilling a role rather than being oneself. So in order to improve relationships one must first understand them.
Bringing about change in a relationship is a cycle with four recognisable phases:
Look for patterns.
Focus on specific areas of difficulty.
Assert ones own needs.
Notice how others change in response.
Go back to 1.
1: Looking for patterns
Ask yourself questions like these:
When do I feel at my worst? What is happening then?
When do I feel at me best? What is happening then?
Do the same kinds of things keep happening to me? Do I seem to keep going round in a circle?
A common pattern is that ones relationships call the tune, where all the buttons controlling the mechanism of our relationships are in the hands of other people.
2: Focusing on specific areas of difficulty
Interpersonal therapy commonly recognises three different types of relationship problem. Start by focusing on specific areas of difficulty and then label each as a problem of a particular type. This helps to separate one problem from another so that you can think about them one at a time. The three common types are:
Disputes: for example, frequent arguments between husband and wife, or parent and child.
Role changes: for example, growing up and leaving home, or retiring.
Loneliness: or a lack of close friends.
3: Asserting ones own needs.
Accept the idea that you can have some control over what happens in a relationship. Don’t accept that other people have all the choices. Ask yourself what you want from a relationship? Think about how you would like to be and not about how you appear. Speak up for yourself, think about what you want to do and don’t worry about displeasing others. If you find yourself in a relationship that you don’t like, have the courage to end it. Assertiveness involves being fair to oneself and to others.
4: Notice how others change in response.
Develop your independence. The more you take control and allow yourself to be yourself, the more others will respect you. Don’t be afraid that if you disagree with someone it’ll end in an argument. The better you become at playing your full part in relationships, the better you will feel about yourself. Once you accept yourself, others will find it easier to accept you. This may set off a chain-reaction that will help you make other changes. Relationships are systems. When we make changes in the ways we relate to others, those others will respond to, and resist, the changes. In a system one change leads to another and the skills of communication and negotiation help ensure that the changes we want and the changes others want match, so that the system can adjust and adapt.


The importance of solitude
Although good relationships are valuable, don’t underestimate the importance of solitude; the ability to enjoy, and to find creative strength in our own company. To be at ease with oneself alone can be a source of refreshment and energy. Solitude is a necessary component of many creative activities that require us to draw from our own inner depths. Solitude is not the opposite of good relationships. In fact if we are continually seeking company because we are uncomfortable with ourselves, this is likely to tarnish our relationships with others. If we are at ease with ourselves we will be at ease with others.

Three guidelines for improving your relationships
Work on changing yourself, not on changing others.
Changes take time.
Work with people as they are.
1: Work on changing yourself, not changing others.
The temptation, particularly if a relationship is stormy, is to insist to oneself and to others that it’s not you that needs to change but the other person. Now it may be true that the other person could change but since you cant change other people, it isn’t worth trying. The only way you can change another person is to change the way you relate to them. Working to change oneself is always difficult. Working to change relationships is even more difficult because it can be very tempting to think that other people are at fault, and that they rather than you should make the effort. Do not be distracted by trying to change others. The changes you make will precipitate changes in others. Leave these changes up to them, and the relationship will feel better to you both.
2: Changes take time.
When you change the way in which you relate to others, they may resist that change and do things to make you change back. Making changes in relationships can take longer than making changes in yourself alone, and it requires persistence.
3: Work with people as they are.
Be realistic. If you find yourself thinking "If only he would tell me what he’s thinking" or "If only he didn’t criticise me so much", remember that if you want to bring about some changes in those relationships you should put away these "if only" and accept people as they are. Once you start making changes in yourself, the other person is likely to begin to change. You will then be able to find out if you can accommodate each other and proceed with the relationship. If after trying to change you still find the relationship is no better, then it might be better to end the relationship.